Friday, October 17, 2008

Cause and Effect - & Women

Warning: A rant is about to follow. Do not read if you're looking for some entertainment. This is going to bore you to death.

Cause and effect. Why is that some women can NEVER differentiate between the two, when it comes to personal relationships. I write this post out of frustration 'cause now I have experienced this multiple times in the last year. I'm hoping some learned person will educate me on this.

Consider this event.. where a friend (girl in all the cases so far) does / says something that causes some damage to my relationship with them and causes me some grief/anxiety. Now, I try not to react to that event, and let it go. But the same keeps happening over and over again, and I get creamed every time this event happens. First time, I probably will having a talk with the person on how this affects me.. and ask her to not do it. But when this keeps happening over and over again, I'm forced to react.
Now, there are only a few things I can do in this situation
a) Whine, kick, and make a big deal out of it / start advising the person on the "right" way to handle the situation with me :- I personally try my best not to do this. I'm nobody to tell another adult how to behave. And the "right" way is all subjective. What may seem right to me, may not to another person. So, I guess this option is ruled out. Plus, this option would make me feel like a tenth grader! :-P
b) React to the grief/anxiety inflicted on me, and go on offensive mode.. and start giving it back to that person.. 'causing as much grief / anxiety to the person who's doing that to me... just so that they realize the pain they're causing me.
Now this seems like a very childish thing to do. But, sometimes its a very human thing to do.. and I try my best NOT to do this too. Sometimes, in spite of all my efforts, I end up doing this.. which I don't think should ever be justified.
c) Take it as it is (accept it)..
d) Put some distance between me and the situation/person. In hope that the distance is enough to stop causing this pain.. hence solving the problem.

Now, I straight away rule out option (a) and (b) 'cause they're very silly immature options. The only two real options are (c) and (d).
Now, if could do (c).. trust me, I would. But the pain/grief/anxiety is for real.
So, I"m forced to do (d) after clearly explaining the reason for me stepping away.

Now comes the part which I'm eternally STRUGGLING to understand. Now when I step away.. then for some reason.. they get really worked up.. they take it as a sign of me suddenly acting pricy or distant or haughty or whatever.. (when all I'm trying to do, is to save myself of some pain).

The situation goes into a downward spiral from this point. They start behaving irrationally after this point. They make some extreme decisions which totally kill whatever can be salvaged of the situation in the long run.. citing my reactions as the cause for the demise of the relationship.
Now, if they really wanted to fix the situation, all the would have had to do, was to fix the cause of the problem.. which is them.. in the first place.. and everything else will fix itself. Once the cause has occurred (giving me pain), then I have no real choice.. but to step away (which is the effect). If the cause was killed.. then there won't be any need for me to step away.

Stating very clearly..
cause = them causing me grief
effect = me stepping away

I cannot be the cause in such a situation. And I don't see why this is so hard to understand/fathom. It's almost like they don't want anything to do with me.. and then do something to cause me to react.. and then finally blame it all on me.
:-s. Looks like most women (and hopefully not all), will always remain an unreasonable enigma to me.

So, my guy friends.. have you faced such situations before (or am i some sort of freak of nature)?
my lady friends.. please attempt to make me understand this.

If this is a common happening, then it seems like a rather unfair fight that no guy can hope to survive.

[Edit] After a few people asked me, I'm forced to put up this extra note.. this is NOT the girlfriend/boyfriend type of fight. I'd like to put up this notice loud and clear at this point.. that I'm single and available :-P. Dang.. looks like any personal note on men/women has the dangerous potential of taking you out of the singles market when you're actually still single!



Blogger Abhinav Vinayakh Shankar said...

same blood.

11:02 PM  
Blogger chiranth said...

I empathise

12:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

:)... here's what i have to say... u need a lot of patience to read this!

i am glad you realised that options 'a' and 'b' are immature and more than anything, they wont get you anywhere... both the individuals will just end up settling scores... and thats not the point right?

coming to option 'c'... accepting them as they are... there's no picture perfect here... so the question is which of the flaws or differences or actions u can accept and tolerate and which of them you cant... but you got to be very reasonable in this... you need to put yourself in their shoes... and if you really know how this person functions then you will have a fair idea and know reason behind her actions... and there's a reason behind everything that all of us do... its not random... so find out the "cause" of their actions... if that's something you can avoid, then do that... but if you really think it makes no sense then just ignore it. if you still cant ignore it then tell that person (which you've been doing all the time). and if the person really wants to make you feel comfortable she will try and avoid it... give her time... she cant change her habit/actions over time...

coming to option 'd'... women function differently from men... when men have a problem they go into their dens... and dont like to talk or discuss the effect and then forget all about it until the next time comes around. but women are not built that way... if you have a problem with your friend who is a girl tell her... the cause and the effect. tell her she is pushing you into this den... but dont go into the den... she always misinterprets this as a "standoffish" behavior... and she will jump into conclusions... which will ruin the relationship where she'll be harping on this effect and continue to cause and you'll go deeper into your den... and there goes the r'ship to a point of not so close a return!

10:55 PM  
Blogger Pratima said...

I would say, the best option would be to just be honest about how u feel and tell the person u were hurt by their actions and let that person figure out an alternate way to handle u better! You need not tell her the "right" way to behave at all...Staying quiet or withdrawing usually spoils relationships in the long run...thats my take!

11:23 PM  
Blogger FSN 2.3 said...

Since the dawn of time it has been observed that approximately 3-4 days a month, certain biological processes manifest themselves into completely irrational and unexplainable behavior on the part of the female species. Tracking said occurrences over a period of, say 2 months might result in a better understanding of grief-inducing behavior. If monthly patterns do emerge, avoid subjects during those periods....

5:15 AM  
Blogger Shumit said...

Machan..if its a friend I'll say don't worry about it. Just get a couple of drinks and then say use option a or b in a nice way. They will pretend to understand.

These chicks are complicated da..there is no one single rule for them. The simplest thing to do will be to play some ruthless frisbee or run hard when someone irritates the shit out of you.

11:40 AM  
Blogger Touche' said...

Apart from my heart-felt feelings extended to u.. SKIP...

lets paaarty yaar ! There is more to do in life than go on a mind-fuck trip on.. why this is happening to you!! If people think you are really worth and u have a meaning in their lives, they will come back :)

simple funda: two shots of jesper (new concoction) will set ur soul alive :D

8:09 PM  
Blogger LifeIsAGame said...

Hmm.. I am a woman, I love women, and my sense of comradeship with them always gives me the push to work it out with people who are most difficult to have friendship with. So, after long arduous journey, following are some of the things that I've learnt:
(1) Many a times, its not about you at all. It might be something else that is stressing them out.
Before making any assumptions, you can simply ask.
Simply put, in a cool calm collected manner with a look/tone indicating you really care, mention the incident and ask whats bothering/concerning them. And "let" them talk (the key is listening). If they are hesitant, just tell them that its ok if they don't want to tell but just wanted to make sure they are fine and see whether there is anything you can help them out.
Time and again, I have found that folks cannot resist this offer, even the toughest will come back in a week or month. Until then, act as if everything is fine and you are not too much bothered will put them on ease.
When they start talking, remember you have to be honest too with your intentions/thoughts.
When they are going through some tough time and behaving the way they are, you dont want to stress them out by "demanding attention to your feelings" rather act as an ally. Look out for them .. watch out for them.. show that you really care.. you will be amazed.
(2) Every one has their baggage which flares up every now and then even in most confident man/woman. The baggage shows up in the form of fear(scared/feeling vulnerable), insecurity, etc. In fact, these things flares up many a times when you start becoming really "something" in their life, somebody who seem to be cracking through their safety wall, and some small incident between you might have triggered a past memory that gave them deep pain. This especially comes up when they realize they dont know you well, want to still get to know you but prefer to push you off a you can build further at a measured slow pace. They want to be doubly sure you are not going to leave them in a "heap".

6:17 PM  

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